I've come to the conclusion that I'm not stimulated.
People aren't motivating me. Things aren't motivating me.
I hang out with people not because I truly have an urge to do so, but because they ask me to. Or because I feel like it's the socially correct thing to do. Or because I don't have any other friends.
I need to find someone I honestly desire to be around. Pick brains. Have good conversation. I want to have the urge to be around them, to thirst them, to crave them. Their knowledge, our interaction.

Meghann (a girl in my photo class who at first intrigued me and then after an extended amount of time with her working on a photo class last week began to be very annoying) recently shed light on a small amount of information that I've been stuck on recently. We were discussing why she was in counseling at the University, and she mentioned that a while ago she had done a paper on creativity and manic depression. She had said that there seemed to be a direct corrolation between the two, and when one cycle ends the other begins; hence the rate of suicidal/depressed artists in the world. I have just looked this up and there seems to be studies ranging back to Aristotle regarding this subject; some either prove it to an extreme or refute it to an extreme. Speaking of extremes, this article "Creativity and Psychopathology", also mentioned that most of these creative types have had extremely creative and extremely psychotic people in their family line. (Reference to mom and dad, possibly? Mother being nuts, father being creative).

I don't fully understand where I'm headed with this.

However, it is part of the creative mind and creative process that people make strange associations with things. This, for the past semester, I thought was a bad thing; as many people would not understand my logic or steps of getting to an answer or association (read: mainly Amy) and I was afraid that I was socially retarded. I went to therapy to try to "fix" this (out of fear of losing Amy over my inability to express feelings and ideas to her in a "logical" manner). I feel much better knowing this, and certainly do not regret not continuing with the counseling.

I had gone through a "relationship" group therapy last semester which was supposed to broaden our minds and figure out why we were having so many issues in relationships. It wasn't until afterwards that I took a different outlook on things and thought: hell, what if it isn't me that is the problem? I'm kind, I'm caring, I'm forgiving... what was I missing? Why was it I who was always left behind or left for something else? Maybe, in fact, it wasn't my fault. In a way, it was, but not in such a negative way that I would need to fix it. I've been told I am intense in relationships, when in fact it is usually not I who speaks of marriage or continuance (unless intoxicated; I do know I have done that before) -- so in fact, if it is merely my presence that frightens people, I should actually let them go. There is no need for me to hold on to things that do not work for me or the other party -- a good fluidity, a good motion and forwardness to life is essential.

While in relationship therapy, I had also continued my individual sessions with the same counseler I had last year, going through things with my parents and moving out. I was much more even-keeled last semester then before, and we seemed to focus mainly on "creativity" and biofeedback. He had me working on breathing and controlling things through that method. It seemed that although I went every week, he would try to suggest coming less often, as if I didn't need it anymore. A major reason I kept going back is that I felt as if there was more to it. However, sessions into it I realized that I already possessed all the tools and knowledge I could gain from that facility. I knew what I had to do (practice these calming techiniques; think about others; listen to others) but I didn't always incorporate it into my life (mainly the calming techniques), which is why I kept going back. I felt that if it was in my schedule (attend biofeedback every friday), I would feel as if I were doing something. I tend to do this often. If something is not a scheduled item, where more than one person attends or is shown as in attendence (or just one + instructor/mentor), it is difficult for me to maintain the activity.

I feel maybe this is a byproduct of my upbringing. My routine has floated around a structural element such as schooling; or a goal such as cross country practice; that it is very difficult for me to maintain an organized lifestyle without such external forces pressing on me. I make lists, as I tend to forget to do things; and even then I do not always look at it or remember to incorporate it into my time. I feel as if time-management is an unnatural system imposed on humans, by humans. Time is a construct (as is gender, and so many other things but that is a different topic entirely) and sometimes it does bother me.

Yet what to do about it? I had a conversation with George, my instructor, and Adam today in my Type class and I brought this up again, yielding no answer. There is no way to escape the things of this society. Adam mentioned that you could limit exposure to it... Yet social hermit is not my goal. I think I still have romanticised ideas about society and a perfect world that I cannot shake, even though I have given in to a defeatest attitude about many things. It is just seemingly impossible to do things anymore outside of society's hold. Even "creativity" has recently been pigeonholed -- that nothing is unique anymore; that everything has already been done and there is nothing left to accomplish.

And now I've just come to think that maybe it is my defeatist attitude lately that has been leaving me down and out. On the eve of this year, T has said to me: you are the source of all of your problems. This, after short thought that night, I found was true. I do have the power to alter that. And I did for a short period. And now it is February 16 and I seem to already have forgotten that lesson.